♥ Fearless ♥: Daddy's Girl?

It's hard for me to believe that my dad passed away five years ago yesterday. Sometimes I feel like it gets harder and harder as the years go on, other times I am so happy it's not that same day when I got that same phone call that made my stomach drop to the floor and broke my heart into a million pieces, that changed my life forever. I can still remember that day so vividly. The exact moment when I got the phone call, exactly where I was standing, how I just felt like my life was over, the first people I went to, what I was wearing, how my hair was. I don't know why I have to remember it so well. I think it's safe to say that it was the worst day of my life thus far. I remember driving to the hospital with my brother just bawling my eyes out and how worried I was about my little sister, who was 5 at the time. I remember getting to the hospital and the nurses coming up to you and asking how you are and if we want to donate his good organs. Do you really think I wanted to be thinking about that at that time?? I remember my uncle and aunt getting to the hospital, the worst was my grandma. Seeing her as she was walked in the hospital being held up by my uncle and brother. I remember being sick to my stomach and drinking sprite to try and make me feel better. Like there's really a cure for that. Getting mass text messages and phone calls from my caring friends concerned and wondering how I am doing. Lying on my aunt's lap in the hospital and just crying more than I ever thought I could. Being asked if I wanted to go in and see my dad, I didn't feel like I could do it. After a few hours I got up the courage to go and see him one last time before the coroners get to make him look "normal" for the viewing. Even though they never look the same after they get a hold of them. I am glad I went in there and saw him, even though it was difficult seeing him hooked up to all those tubes and seeing him lying there just dead. Not hearing the ticking from his heart (the artificial valves he had put in made his heart sound like a clock ticking) that become such a soothing noise to me. The next day I went to school, I think I just needed to get away from all the sadness and just be with my friends and the few teachers who were always there for me.

I just can't believe it's been five years. I think of all the things I've done since then. All of the people I've met, all the places I've been, all the people I've lost, everything I've accomplished since then. I think about what it would've been like if he was here to go through all those things with me. I was a pretty big daddy's girl when I was younger. When my mom and dad got a divorce I had my fall out times with my dad, but for the most part we had a very special relationship. I just think how much better it could've gotten as I went thorough high school. I remember when I was younger and every night he got home from work I would crawl outof bed and go and lay on his lap as he watched TV. He would tickle my back and I would fall asleep. I would often go to him for safety in any situation I had in my life. He was always there and always so open and honest with me about everything. He protected me through everything.

I always think and wonder what I would've turned out like if he would've been alive as I went through high school. What different choices I would've made, what different paths I would've taken, what heartaches I wouldn't have had to go through, what moments I wish he would've been there for, what times when I wish he was there to talk to. I know people always tell me, he's still there with you, or you'll see him again someday, or you are a stronger person for getting through all of that. & I know he's there and I know I'll see him again, and I know I am a stronger person because of it all. But ya know somedays I don't want him to be "there" I want him to be here, somedays I don't want to be stronger, I just want my dad. But I guess I'll just have to get by and be "stronger" and live on his legacy, and be the girl I think he would've wanted me to be.And get by, by old picture and all the memories I did have with him the time that he was alive and be blessed that I had fifteen good years with my dad, that some people didn't even get one. But I know I am allowed to have my bad days and I will probably have them for the rest of my life but as long as I have more good than bad, and good people to help get my "by" everything will be ok.

My dad, little sister Cammero, big brother Travis, cousins Emily and Gabby and me at my little sisters last birthday my dad threw for her. He always made our birthdays so special.

My dad playing baseball when he was a kid, a game he loved. Who would've thought that I would grow to love it maybe just as much as he did?

My mom and dad's engagement pictures.

An old cute family picture.

My brother and my dad.

My dad and I as we shared a special moment forever when he baptized me.

One of my very favorite pictures of my little sister and my dad, when he took her to california and gave her some of the best memories she has with him.