Abandonment Issues..??

So for some reason lately I have come to realize that I have some abandonment issues. Sometimes it seems that that's all I do, is have to say good-bye to people. Important people, people who are a big part of my life, who have made me who I am today. I hate it, it is the absolute worst. I have the most hardest time dealing with it, I would almost rather do anything else(like get five cavities filled at one time). It seems that when I'm finally getting over one person who's left, then someone else leaves. Ok, ok, you might think I am overreacting, and maybe I am. So let's be honest, they might not actually leave. But they go from being in my life daily/weekly, from maybe in my life once every three months, or pretty much not being in my life at all. Ya know my dad passed away about 5 1/2 years ago, and that's been one of the most hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I have to deal with losing him on pretty much on a daily basis, there's not a day that goes by that I don't wish my dad was here, but I know he can't be, I know he's gone. At least for the most part, even though he's not here physically, and trust me I'd much rather him be there physically, when I could just give him a big hug, but he's in my heart at all times. I almost think it is harder for me to lose people who have just voluntarily walked out of my life then people who have actually passed away. I always have to think about, oh I want to call them so bad, I want to talk to them, I wish so and so was here for this. Like I said before I think those things about my dad too, I always wish he was here or that I could call him on the phone and hear his voice, but it's worse when I know the person is actually in this life and I could really give a hug to, or hear their voice. It's so hard for me to get over that, it doesn't make me depressed, sometimes it makes me mad, but for the most part it just makes me so so sad. To see them somewhere and normally I would walk up and talk to them but instead they just walk right passed me, it breaks my heart all over again every time that happens. I know, I know life changes everyday, so many things happen and people will walk in and out of your life, there is people who I've met and I'm grateful I've met them, but they didn't make a huge impact. It's the ones who have made a huge impact, the ones who I have been best friends with for ten years, the ones who have been more to me like family than my own family, the ones who have made me who I am today, those are the ones who it's hard to say goodbye to. I know it happens to everyone, but I put so much trust in these people and I would do so much for them, when they're in my life I just want to be a better person, it's just tough for me when they are not in it any more or not in it as much as they normally would be. All I can say, is because of this, I have some major trust issues. Hopefully one day I will learn to get over it, I just hope it's sooner rather than later. Welp, thanks for listen to me ramble.

Keep Smilin,

♥Runi

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Heartbreak Quotes

Not happy..

I don't really know what the problem is, but lately I just have not been very happy. I have felt so down and depressed lately. I need something good to happen. Really good.

Sometimes I think maybe it's my job, because a lot of the time lately I feel like this picture while I'm at work. Like I wanna pull my hair out. But then a lot of the time I am so happy at my work and grateful that I work at such an awesome place with awesome people I can call my friends.

Other times I'm just so sad I just go home and get in my bed and watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S. so that maybe I can get a laugh in. I just think there's so much missing in my life. I have some great things in my life, that I am truly grateful for, I still just don't feel right, something is missing. I hope soon I can get out of this funk, and be truly happy again.

Just one of those days.

I hate when I wake up early in the morning and find out news that just makes me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. I have had this idea for a song for a long time now, but can't seem to finish it. I think I just don't know how I want it to end. It's called "Worth the Fight", it's about some relationships I am struggling with in my life. I think I'm sad how it's going to end in real life and I don't want to accept the reality to write it in a song. Anyway hopefully I will finish it soon. For now here's one of my favorite songs of all time, that always puts me in a good mood. I love to drive in my car and just belt it out. Here it is.

Daddy's Girl?

It's hard for me to believe that my dad passed away five years ago yesterday. Sometimes I feel like it gets harder and harder as the years go on, other times I am so happy it's not that same day when I got that same phone call that made my stomach drop to the floor and broke my heart into a million pieces, that changed my life forever. I can still remember that day so vividly. The exact moment when I got the phone call, exactly where I was standing, how I just felt like my life was over, the first people I went to, what I was wearing, how my hair was. I don't know why I have to remember it so well. I think it's safe to say that it was the worst day of my life thus far. I remember driving to the hospital with my brother just bawling my eyes out and how worried I was about my little sister, who was 5 at the time. I remember getting to the hospital and the nurses coming up to you and asking how you are and if we want to donate his good organs. Do you really think I wanted to be thinking about that at that time?? I remember my uncle and aunt getting to the hospital, the worst was my grandma. Seeing her as she was walked in the hospital being held up by my uncle and brother. I remember being sick to my stomach and drinking sprite to try and make me feel better. Like there's really a cure for that. Getting mass text messages and phone calls from my caring friends concerned and wondering how I am doing. Lying on my aunt's lap in the hospital and just crying more than I ever thought I could. Being asked if I wanted to go in and see my dad, I didn't feel like I could do it. After a few hours I got up the courage to go and see him one last time before the coroners get to make him look "normal" for the viewing. Even though they never look the same after they get a hold of them. I am glad I went in there and saw him, even though it was difficult seeing him hooked up to all those tubes and seeing him lying there just dead. Not hearing the ticking from his heart (the artificial valves he had put in made his heart sound like a clock ticking) that become such a soothing noise to me. The next day I went to school, I think I just needed to get away from all the sadness and just be with my friends and the few teachers who were always there for me.

I just can't believe it's been five years. I think of all the things I've done since then. All of the people I've met, all the places I've been, all the people I've lost, everything I've accomplished since then. I think about what it would've been like if he was here to go through all those things with me. I was a pretty big daddy's girl when I was younger. When my mom and dad got a divorce I had my fall out times with my dad, but for the most part we had a very special relationship. I just think how much better it could've gotten as I went thorough high school. I remember when I was younger and every night he got home from work I would crawl outof bed and go and lay on his lap as he watched TV. He would tickle my back and I would fall asleep. I would often go to him for safety in any situation I had in my life. He was always there and always so open and honest with me about everything. He protected me through everything.

I always think and wonder what I would've turned out like if he would've been alive as I went through high school. What different choices I would've made, what different paths I would've taken, what heartaches I wouldn't have had to go through, what moments I wish he would've been there for, what times when I wish he was there to talk to. I know people always tell me, he's still there with you, or you'll see him again someday, or you are a stronger person for getting through all of that. & I know he's there and I know I'll see him again, and I know I am a stronger person because of it all. But ya know somedays I don't want him to be "there" I want him to be here, somedays I don't want to be stronger, I just want my dad. But I guess I'll just have to get by and be "stronger" and live on his legacy, and be the girl I think he would've wanted me to be.And get by, by old picture and all the memories I did have with him the time that he was alive and be blessed that I had fifteen good years with my dad, that some people didn't even get one. But I know I am allowed to have my bad days and I will probably have them for the rest of my life but as long as I have more good than bad, and good people to help get my "by" everything will be ok.

My dad, little sister Cammero, big brother Travis, cousins Emily and Gabby and me at my little sisters last birthday my dad threw for her. He always made our birthdays so special.

My dad playing baseball when he was a kid, a game he loved. Who would've thought that I would grow to love it maybe just as much as he did?

My mom and dad's engagement pictures.

An old cute family picture.

My brother and my dad.

My dad and I as we shared a special moment forever when he baptized me.

One of my very favorite pictures of my little sister and my dad, when he took her to california and gave her some of the best memories she has with him.

Our last picture of us with our dad before he passed away.

My dad with one of his camaro's, oh how he loved those, maybe that's why my little sister's name is Cammero??! :)

At his funeral with my mom putting a rose on his grave.

I love you daddy and will always miss you.

♥Runi

Unsure

I always plan on blogging, but I'm never sure of what to say sometimes. I always think it will be boring. I don't know if people read my blog, and I've realized that the reason I have my blog is mostly for me. It's like a journal to me, if people read it, great. If not that's great too. I blog for me and I'm gonna blog about what I want to. So look for more blogs to come more often.

Mood: determined

♥Runi

Tay Swizzle!!

So for all of you that don't know I love Taylor Swift. I pre-ordered her first album and loved it. Also one of my best friends Laura had tickets to Trick Pony who Taylor Swift opened for her when she was barely famous, most everyone only knew the song "Tim Mcgraw". She sang probably about 5 songs, Laura and I just loved her. We both became mostly obsessed. Ok, just obsessed.

This is us standing in line about to meet her, which might I add again she wasn't even very famous and we were both so star struck. The concert was on November 27th 2006. We missed most of Trick Pony so we could go meet her.

This is the picture I had her sign, that is now framed and hanging in my room. We did take pictures with her, Laura has hers. Just my luck the one with me and her didn't turn out, it was back in the day when I didn't have a digital camera, so it was just a cheap camera. But oh well, the picture above is my proof of meeting her before she was a big wig.

Just on a side note, Laura and I knew this girl at our high school. Ok we didn't really know her, we just knew she looked like Taylor Swift, so as we walked through the halls and saw her we would say, "Hey Tay!!" . I am not sure if she ever heard us or not, but we had fun with it.

So then she was coming again the end of our senior year, then again we both got tickets. Laura went with her then boyfriend now husband, and had like row two seats on the floor. I didn't have the greatest seats but I still had a blast.

I took my then boyfriends little sister Cheyne for her birthday. We had a blast!!

So why you ask do I keep rambling on about all my Taylor Swift concerts? Cuz she is coming again SEPTEMBER 28th and I am going!!!!!!!!! Then again with my greatest friend Laur!! (aka Laura aka Lewa B!) I'm also going with my cousin Bridger and I'm taking my little sister Cammero, so if any of you talk to her, please don't tell her, because it is going to be a surprise. So don't worry in 5 or so months I will give you another update of how awesome this concert was, as Laura and I live on the tradition of goin to our greatest FRIEND Tay Swizzles concert!! :)